Think before you say Yes

I have a terrible habit of saying yes to things without thinking it through. Or thinking that I want something and making it happen without actually considering if I really want it or not. I also believe that once you agree to something you should stick it out. I'm reliable, I'm not a quitter and I'm stubborn as all hell.

Combining these two things can be dangerous. Sometimes it can be positive, sometimes they can be negative. This is the reason I have a trade, am doing an MBA, got engaged, travelled around Spain with my bestie, built a school in Nepal, went to India by myself, taught Engineering, got multiple tattoos and piercings, moved to England, learnt to SCUBA and a variety of other random events in my life.

Recently I signed up to do a half marathon after being inspired by some ultra-fit, awesome people in Nepal to put it on my new years resolutions. This is the latest "Yes, I'll do that... wait ... oh sh*t.." in my life. Up until a few weeks ago 4km was the longest I'd ran since high school. I would classify myself as reasonably fit, but not marathon fit by any means.
For example, I eat McDonalds most days, have an addiction to Coca-Cola, I hardly ever cook or grocery shop, I drink alcohol 6 days a week and do not get 8 hours sleep most nights.
But I do run short distances often and dance all night long at least twice a weekend. Excellent fitness regime!

And this is where the "wait.. oh sh*t.. " comes in. Obviously I needed to step it up a level with longer runs and potentially better food.

I would like to say I stuck to my training schedule like a world class athlete, but alas I did not.
The Hawthorne theory is where by simply monitoring an occurrence you will cause it to improve. So with this in mind I started monitoring my compliance to my running schedule/fitness/drinking habits. I can now say that I achieved a 44% compliance to eating well, a 36% compliance to not drinking excessively and a 50% compliance to my running schedule.
Not a great result. Imagine if Hawthorne wasn't involved!

But I did it!! – I ran the 21.1kms in 2hours, 7seconds and although I struggled every step of the way I’m stoked I did it.

Now for the bombshell… (in my classic “whats next” style)

The morning of my half marathon I received an email saying that my group has been accepted for the Oxfam trailwalker. This is a team race through the bush, over very steep hilly terrain, for 100km.
Yup, 100km.
I'm told it is an ultra marathon...

It’s from the central coast into Sydney and we’ve got a target time of 18hours. 18hours of running/jogging or walking, 18 hours of pain, 18 hours of fun!!
I can’t wait but oh sh*t, what have I got myself into?!

Check out the course here:
http://trailwalker.oxfam.org.au/sydney/trail/

However it is all for charity and this is where you come in. Our goal is to raise $5000 for Oxfam who do amazing work all across the world and make a difference to millions of lives every year. I’m running with a group of architects so donate or check our team here: http://trailwalker.oxfam.org.au/sydney/teams/team/?team_id=12595

The race isn’t until August so I’ll send through progress updates as the time gets closer. I’m also doing a marathon as part of my training in June. Yup, just a training run of 42kms… Oh sh*t.

Not to worry, here comes the stubborn part – bring it on! :)

I want to not want more

Competitive manufacturing teaches us that there is no such thing as perfection. If you achieve perfection then you stop striving for more and will subsequently be overtaken and become out dated. You must instead strive for excellence, Kaisen, continuous improvement. You must always ask yourself, “how can we improve? How can this be better?”

As a business philosophy this is fantastic. But how many of us take this opinion into our personal lives?

If you have the iPhone 4 do you feel the need to upgrade to the 4S? If you lose 5 kilos do you feel the compulsion to lose 5 more? Do you want the latest, greatest car/house/job/education/social life/fitness level? Where are the boundaries? If your partner is an 8/10 do you hold out for something better? Where does desire and determination turn to pure narcissism?

I used to have a life philosophy that encompassed goal excellence. I worked two jobs, was studying two courses and in my spare time I would network, exercise and try to learn new skills. But for me it wasn’t about having the latest gadgets or being the greatest, it was fighting the stagnant nature of a daily routine. Inside I would be screaming “What’s next?” and planning my next degree before I’d finalised enrolment. Sadly this crossed over into my personal life and I would always be planning the next moment without ever really experiencing the current one.
This accumulated until my drive and determination was almost completely extinguished and I abandoned my job, career, education, possessions and relationship to wander aimlessly around the world.

Today I haven't quenched my inner drive, but I have quelled it slightly. I have found some inner peace. I’m not sure how I got here; perhaps a month in the Himalayas was all I needed. Perhaps completely letting go of the reins, selling almost all my possessions and experiencing life with people who had less than me but wanted for nothing was enough to alter my perspective. I am relatively content with how things are, even when I have no idea where I’ll be in a year.

That being said as I settle back into daily life I cannot help but want. But what do I want? I often ask myself this to find direction but am only left with one answer.. More. I want more in every aspect of my life. Will more make my life better or easier? No. But I still want it. I want more time, happiness, friends, education, fitness, relationships, food, clothes, money, bacon, more everything please. And when I get more, I will then want more again. Greed cannot be sated.
More is the curse of the western world. It is at the core of first world problems.
It is why the third world is happier than the first. It is why I want to run away and live in the himalayas.

The solution? I'm still working on it (open to suggestions) but being aware that having more, doing more will not solve anything is a good first step. Practicing the ability to find hapiness in life's simple joys and to stop and smell the flowers whenever you can. Literally.

Jaded

Apparently I'm jaded. I was told this recently and it didn't bode well. After much analysis I understood why people might think this. I tend to give my all in relationships and I'm often the one left with nothing in return and hurting. Which doesn't strike me as fair or just. I have often given the opinion "such is life" or "ke garne" because life isnt fair, it just is. I often tell my friends, Don't worry, it will probably happen again, soon enough, so don't be too concerned. Easy to see why some may think I'm jaded. 

Buddhism teaches the 4 noble truths, which states that suffering is an unavoidable fact of life and realising that, freeing yourself from wanting and accepting this truth is the only way to happiness. 

I'm not sure that I've freed myself from wanting but I have realised and accepted that I will be hurt again and again and again. All relationships must come to an end one way or another, whether by blood splattered walls, mutual decisions or simply by death. And there is every possibility that a wonderful relationship will prelude the demise. I prefer to see this as being a realist than being jaded. 

So what to do? Opt out all together or dive in head first and hope for the best. To quote a cliche, Id rather have loved and lost than never loved at all. So chances are I'm going to keep diving head first into shallow pools... but this time round I might stop and look first, or even put a helmet on. 

As for me being jaded, surely if you break a heart often enough it will still have some sharp edges when you tape it back together. :)

My top ten songs just cos.

My usual blog didn’t come out last Friday. Most of the time I have a month or two written in advance but not at the moment. I’m still writing but it is a bit deeper than my usual random thoughts. My friend read one of my draft posts and commented “that shits heavy,” which makes me think it may not be fit for consumption just yet. I would say public consumption but that would be incorrect, it’s the immediate people in my life that it is not fit for. Which is saying a lot if you've read most of my blogs. Don’t worry; I’m sure I’ll post it sooner or later. Stay tuned for some juicy stuff.

So Ke Garne? What to do? Well I thought I’d share my recent favourite music with you as it has become an integral part of my life. It gives me entertainment, inspires me to run and keeps me sane.

Looking back over the last 6 months my favourite artists have changed abruptly, corresponding with my surroundings. When I was living in London I would listen to Bob Marley every day, in India I only listened to LadyHawke and as I crossed the border into Nepal it was Coldplay Mylo Xyloto. Since returning to Australia it has thankfully become more diverse. Friendly fires was a stable for a month or so and is still a reoccurring player. Skrillex is a recent arrival as is Martin Solveig and Calvin Harris, all three aid my thirst for house music while running.

Below I’ve listed my top ten favourite songs of the moment. These are the songs that are on repeat on my ipod, again and again. On analysis I would say that all would be a positive vibe, a funky beat and something you could dance too. If you want to look deeper you could probably put a name or situation to each song, but I prefer the funky beats. Enjoy



Jamie Xx remix – Hip Love
Funky beat I can’t get enough of and memories of a relaxing weekend away.

Calvin Harris vs Steve Aoki – No beef feels so close
Who doesn’t love a good mash up? And Calvin Harris is a legend. “I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal”

Cassius - I <3 u so (Skream’s made Zdar feel like he was 20 again remix)
Love the old bytes throughout new dubstep sound. “I loved you so, but why I loved you I’ll never know.”

Martin Solveig – Hello
Pop that makes you smile - Also check out Big in Japan. “Yeah I think your cute but really you should know, I just came to say hello.”

Nu Nrg – Dreamland
Classic! Rave on

Skrillex – Breakn a sweat
Has an awesome bit about the future of music from a long time ago. Reminds me of pushing myself running or dancing too much. He was amazing at future music!

Knifeparty Vs Sweidsh house mafia – Antidote
Hardcore get into it music

Friendly fires – Jump in the pool
Love the optimism combined with trepidation. Often in my life I find myself standing on the edge, wanting to jump in the pool!

Morgan Page – Longest road (deadmau5 remix)
Another classic that always seems relevant to my life. “If you are so frequently in love… you go down the longest road to nowhere… got no need for wanderlust”

The wombats – Moving to New York
Who hasn’t had a week that’s made them want to move to New York? “I’ve just had the craziest week, like a party bag of lies, boozing and deceit…. I don’t know why I want to voice this out loud, it’s therapeutic somehow… ”

How to: Survive a breakup

My friends will often stop, look at me and ask if I'm OK with the engagement being called off. It's almost as if they think I'm pretending to be ok, holding it in and at any moment I'll suddenly break down and be a mess.
No thanks.
It's not that I'm being stoic, numb or I haven't realised what's happened yet, it's just that I'm over it.
When I have to talk to him it doesn't make my heart jump, my mind think back to the good times or any of that guff. I wish him all the best but I'm glad we're not together. Shrug.

So how did I get to my happy place?

Firstly, I'm really good at breakups (potentially a lot better than relationships). I have 20/20 hindsight, an innate belief that I can deal with anything that comes my way and not a spiteful bone in my body. Combined that with legendary friends and a single life that rocks and I'm left with absolutely nothing to feel sorry about. (Especially when compared to some of the amazing people I've met on my travels who deal with a lot bigger stuff than me.) To be fair I was sad for a week or two and crucially, I did a lot of my grieving before we broke up. Two occasions spring to mind, both when I was very much alone.

The first was when I left London:

I’ve never heard of Scott, Columbus or Cook freaking out at the beginning of an adventure, and I’m fairly sure that guy who paddled a kayak from Australia to New Zealand didn’t cry his first night away from home, but I like to think that maybe they did, just a little.

He took me to the airport and even helped me with my bags, but I was a mess. I was bawling before I left home and when it was time to say goodbye I was close to having a panic attack. He was fantastic and said all the right things, but I didn’t believe it. I was a complete blubbering, snotty mess and kept asking him to say “it will be alright” again and again, like a mantra.

I felt stupid that I had booked a trip without really thinking it through. That I had assumed I’d be able to deal with whatever came my way but quite simply, I was scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of being apart from Adam, scared that I had once again torn apart my nest, thrown my life out the window and all I had was the bag on my back. I wasn’t quite sure where that left me, or where that left Adam and I. Adam told me that it is just a holiday, that in two months time we’d both be back in Australia. All I wanted at that moment, as shameful as it is, was to fast forward.
I was scared and I couldn’t shake the feeling that this would be the last time that I would see him, that I had booked this trip and put it ahead of him, ahead of us and that I had done so happily without much thought. Did this mean my subconscious had made a decision for me? Was our relationship that meaningless to me? Had I really just abandoned Adam again because of my travel lust? Only now faced with the consequences did I really analyse what I was doing. Why did getting on this plane feel so finite?

I told him to walk away so I could go because I didn’t feel strong enough to walk away from him. But when he turned to leave I didn’t wait to watch. I turned and headed for the gate with the thought in my mind “don’t look back.”  

I contemplated asking the nice man at passport control if I was doing the right thing.

The second was my last day in the hills of Nepal:

I was utterly exhausted. My legs hurt with every step, my back ached and my blisters rubbed. I was out of breath. I struggled to keep my breathing constant but at the same time I was chocking on the cold air. I had started off full of anger but less than an hour of hiking up this steep hill my anger had turned to an emotional mess. Outside was a physical struggle, inside was an emotional one. The conversation with Adam this morning had made me confused. Had I made the right decision in going on this trip? Had I completely destroyed out relationship? Did he still love me? Did I still love him? It was hard to answer as the picture of Ads in my head had gone blurry. Who was he now? I couldn’t remember the man I had loved and now there was a cranky guy on the phone, who didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach made me stop answering the phone when he did actually call, which was becoming less and less. Yesterday was the anniversary of his proposal. I didn’t have phone reception for most of the day and hadn’t bothered to call when I did due to time zones and exhaustion. I had left him a card but he had done nothing for me. Worst of all, that didn’t bother me in the slightest.

I was sad for leaving Phuleli, not a normal leaving sad, a complete saturation of emotion, a sadness combined with awe inspiring proudness and pity and envy. I was confused with how I felt about Nepal, let alone with Adam dramas on top. I needed support, not conflict and I needed to be warm, clean and resting. My toes were numb, my arms were red, my heart was racing, my mind was muddled and my legs burned. I couldn’t hike anymore! My body knew this, my throat closed up and I started wheezing and gasping for breath. Tears sprung to my eyes, my airways closed, I couldn’t breathe. I’m going to die, I thought. The altitude, the rural location, I’m going to suffocate from stress!

I dropped to my knees clasping my throat, sobbing, wheezing, convinced that this was it. Uttraman, my guide, came running over. He held me, rubbed my throat, gently warming it up and told me everything was ok, I wasn’t alone, He was here for me, it will all be ok. “It will be alright.” That’s what Adam had said at Heathrow.

My stubborn mind kicked in and refused to let this situation escalate. You will not have a panic attack here Corinne, that is completely ridiculous and out of the question! Stop sobbing, start breathing. You are in control. You will NOT have a panic attack. You will not suffocate in the Himalayas!

That bitch had saved my life more than once and she had a point. This was ridiculous. There was nothing actually wrong with me. My breathing slowly returned to normal, my throat opened up and I had calmed down to a quiet weep. I hugged Uttraman who was now rubbing my numb legs to keep them warm. He had dressed me in all of my layers and I was now rugged up warm. I looked around the amazing snow covered forest. I was OK. My trekking pride was bruised but what’s new? My last trekking injury still hadn’t healed from falling into a river.

At some point before the summit my tears finally stopped. At the top instead of a view of Everest there were clouds. We ambled along the clouded mountain top, hoping for a brief view. I realised that this area somehow resembled the British Moors. Boggy marshes, cloud blowing through, short shrubby grasslands and bitterly bone achingly cold. I knew how the Bronte sisters felt, alone in their boggy wasteland. It suited my mood perfectly. There I was, standing on a precipice in life, no way of seeing what lies ahead, wandering tentatively forwards, hoping not to drop off a cliff.

So here's my 6 step guide:

1. Feel: Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling and get it all out. If someone shoots you with an arrow, don’t ask why, pull the damn thing out!

2. Hindsight: Think about it, you knew it was going to happen sooner or later and it really is for the best isn't it?

3. Confidence: Think about all the awesome stuff that you've done and now all the awesome stuff that you can NOW do! FREEDOM!

4. Perspective: Do you really have anything to complain about? You have clean water, that’s more than billions of people in the world have!

5. Compassion: Be kind to yourself, but also be compassionate to your ex. Remember, no one wanted it to end like this when it first started. You have good memories, don't spoil them with spite.

6. Ke Garne? Such is life. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last.
  

Scars of honour

My most popular blog thus far has been Divorce Porn, where I discussed breakups and dished some dirt on what my ex's have advised me in the past. (Perhaps criticism is a better descriptor than advice.) The moral of the story being that if I tried to please everyone, and be the person everyone wanted me to be, I simply couldn't. (Or I'd be diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.) My mother's response was quoting popeye "I yam what I yam," but I prefer Shakespeare "above all else, to thyne own self by true."

I'm confident in myself and confident with who I am. (Perhaps that's why I can write such personal thoughts on my blog.) The first rule of marketing is you can't appeal to everyone, define your market, your target audience, ensure you appeal to that market and then differentiate yourself from the competition. My target audience is people who like me for me, so that pretty much solves itself... :D

I'm not perfect, but I'm not striving for perfection. I'm simply being me and having fun doing it. My body is for me to use, I want to follow the F1 example. If the wheels fall off, the fuel runs out and the engine blows up as you cross the finish line, you've engineered it perfectly and driven like a legend! Plus multiple organ failure usually provides a good reason to not resuscitate.

I have scars on my body from use and I see them as badges of honour and memories. This is where I fell over in the Himalayas! This is from a fin cut surfing North Shore Hawaii! This is an exhaust burn from riding dirt bikes on Stockton beach! This is from rock climbing without ropes! This callous is from getting my trade! This is where I got drunk in high school and set myself on fire! This is from kneeling on a sea urchin while tech diving! This is where someone on ice skates ran over my hand! This is where I got bitten by a snake! ...Some are more impressive than others...

But right now everyone is slowly dying and getting a little older. This is the youngest you will ever be, forever more. This is the least wrinkly my skin will ever be, the highest my tits will be and the least cellulite I will have. I'm sure in 5-10 -20 years time I will look back at photos of you now and say, "damn I looked good then!" and you will too, APPRECIATE IT NOW!

But most importantly this is the highest potential level of fitness you will ever be, both mentally and physically. Don't think tomorrow you will climb that mountain or learn that new skill. Go and do it now! I repeat, NOW is the youngest you will ever be, forever more.

My point is make sure you are true to yourself and appreciate how amazing your body is. If someone in your life wants you to change who you are for them, they obviously don't understand just how awesome you are.
Unless you're giving them food poisoning...