Looking for Jesus

I have trouble understanding why people who read the Bible or those Christian newsletters. The lady next to me was reading her Christian magazine from front to back with a concerning amount of focus. I couldn't help but analyse. Most people read for entertainment, escape or knowledge but this is different. This is comfort reading, reassurance in text, an explanation of life and a resounding 'everything will be OK' as someone will take responsibility for your sins... Each to their own.

I began to think of my own comfort reading. What do I read to reassure myself, to give myself hope when I'm unsure? And then it hit me... Here is my confession, my sins lay bare, my guilty pleasure is romance novels.

Mills and Boon is my religious text, my false hope. In my fantasy it isn't Jesus who cleanses me of my sins, it's a tall, handsome man with fantastically strong arms, a passion for romance, a healthy bank account and a desire for long term commitment.
SWOON
Maybe his name is Jesus, it worked for Madonna, but I'm not fussy..

When I analyse my own fantasy it isn't an actual deep-seated urge to be swept off my feet and void of any responsibility or free thought by this man on a white stallion. I am loving my independence and don't want it removed by some handsome stranger, or anyone for that matter. To be honest, if I did come across him I would probably find him too needy or not enough of a jerk for my liking. There is every possibility he may leave beard hairs in the sink and may not appreciate me giving him a detailed synopsis of every second newspaper article I read.

In essence, I don't want my sins resolved, I just want the reassurance that somewhere on an island far away, exists a man like this. That alone is enough for me. Just like the lady next to me, I don't have to meet Jesus to be reassured, I just need to think he exists.
So as the lady peered through her glasses at an article of what He says about forgiveness, I peered through mine, reading what great lengths he goes to convince her of his love and I'm sure we both felt better.

Titanic without the bad ending...

He was taking it easy, trying not to scare me. “Go ahead,” I told him. I had ridden before and was used to the thrill. I wanted to see what he could do. I wanted to see the difference between my clunky, clumsy skills and a professional. Even through the helmet I could tell he was smiling. “OK, but tap me if it’s too fast and remember to just lean with me.” He looked me over, “and above all, stay on the bike. Don’t bail on me.” I rolled my eyes, I wasn’t a first time rider, I knew how to lean into corners, how to watch where I wanted the bike to go and what to do when I thought I was going to crash. I wrapped my arms around his waist, “C’mon Ads, show me what you got!” He pulled out onto the winding road. As he opened the throttle he popped the front wheel. I loved the feel of pure acceleration and with the luggage rack behind me and Ads in front, I felt safe. He left the throttle open as the bike landed heavily and we sped towards the first corner. He dropped a few gears at the last second and lined up for the corner. I felt the bike lean smoothly into the apex with such a fluid motion that felt essentially weightless. I could see past Adam to the winding narrow road ahead. Our heads aligned, horizontal with the road. We moved in unison and the bike righted itself before dipping to the opposite side, our helmets frozen as we rounded the hairpin corner. It felt almost similar to dancing.

The feeling of freedom and pure simple pleasure swept over me. The speedo rose and the angle of the bike dipped closer to the ground. Riding a bike at speed requires little actual movement as you steer with your weight. It can often feel like you’re being guided by the bike. As a pillion passenger you can quite easily steer the bike when travelling at speed, which means if you don’t lean or lean the wrong way, the driver must compensate or crash. It takes trust between both people to ride at speed on winding roads.

I had loosened my grip on Adam and looked over the cliff out to the valley of bushland below, blue with haze from the Eucalyptus. It was a beautiful view.
I felt relaxed and centred as I turned back to concentrate on the road. I took a deep breath and lifted my arms out to the side, outstretched. As we rounded the next corner it felt like we were flying. My hands came within inches of the ground and my heart rate rose. I dug my boots into the footpegs and squeezed my knees into Adams hips. The bike righted and dipped into a hairpin. Kate Winslet eat your heart out! Leonardo just stood on a boat with you, my man has control of 170 horsepower!

Adam glanced back, saw my arms out and did a double take. He shook his head and hit the throttle for the next set of corners. The force of the wind caused me to lean into him but I didn’t dare fold my wings in, I was loving it too much! The road opened up and we slowed down slightly. Adam straightened up and after a few moments of hesitation he stretched his arms out sideways and held my hands. We zoomed along towards me the next corner, our hands touching, held out like wings and the bike gradually slowing. We lent into the corner together like a twin wing plane. The bike dipped, rounded and we were through. “Look Mum, no hands!” Adam shouted. We laughed as he broke our grip to twist the throttle open, pulling my other hand into him, wrapping my arm around him. He squeezed my hand and turned to me, I could see the corners of his eyes crinkle as he smiled in his helmet. These are the moments that life is made of, that will always give you a sweet smile when you think of them. 

Relationship choices 1

After living in a small space with Adam for almost three months, I was starting to wonder if Schopenhauer was correct with his will-to-live theory.

Are we attracted to someone that genetically makes the best children, for the sake of the human race, despite whether it is possible to raise children or even cohabit with that person? Adam and I are very similar in regards to personality. We have the same sense of humour, the same bluntness, the same predisposition to being offended at offhand comments and unfortunately the same ability to often make offhand comments. (E.g. When I first read this part to Adam he took offence.) However, when you look objectively at us as humans, we are well suited to make children. We are both reasonably smart, athletic but also complement each other. He has a normal shaped nose to my crooked one, I have small ears to his big, I have good flexibility where he does not, he has good balance and coordination where I do not. The romantic dominates life because “what is decided is nothing less than the composition of the next generation, the existence and special constitution of the human race in times to come.” (De Botton quoting Schopenhauer ) I.e. People are attracted to other people that will make "normal" children.

There are a few things missing from this theory. If I am to assume that I am biologically attracted to Adam in order to ensure the sound composition of the next generation, then wouldn’t it make sense that if we haven’t had children yet, we are unable to and thus, our biological senses should be telling us to find another mate? What about those that do not wish to have children? What about homosexuals that physically cannot? We have evolved to give higher meaning to our relationships than biological urges and decided who to love, how to love and whether we want to have children.
Somewhere along the evolutionary line we developed conscious choice.

To me this is beauty of marriage. The choice that two people make individually to be committed to each other and to make it work, especially when living in cramped spaces or with high stress. It is the choice to say together, not because of biology or society, but because we want too.